Pokemon coaching generally is a lonely endeavor. Scouring the verdant plains looking for prepared challengers, gymnasium badges, or within the case of Paldea, actually something of curiosity in anyway.
It’s sufficient to drive one mad, mad I say! But concern not, weary travellers, for I have gone on a Pokemon journey of a distinct variety. I have scanned the huge catalogue of pocket monsters not for the fiercest battlers or the rarest beasts. Nay, I have as a substitute elected to slim down the ten most unreasonably good-looking Pokemon on your enjoyment/bewilderment/abject horror.
Were I to spot them on a relationship app, I would most assuredly swipe proper. Best be cautious, nevertheless, as I have been Whiscash’d on multiple event, and nothing is worse than having to exit for drinks with a deceitful fish who retains inflicting earthquakes. Such a problem!
Machoke
Likes: Working out, carb-loading, image books.
Dislikes: Big phrases, significant conversations, birds.
I’m not too proud to admit my fascination with chiselled musculature. Machoke is the go-to for dudebros who spend all of their time within the gymnasium and all of their cash on protein shakes.
This hefty mound of meat is able to lifting sumo wrestlers with a single finger, which is a powerful feat that coincidentally has led to me being banned from each Japanese tradition pageant on the town. You’re certain to have a great outdated snicker with Machoke, particularly in the event you’re into juvenile humor and flicks with a number of explosions. Just don’t anticipate something past that, because it claims to actually have a weak point to pondering, no matter meaning.
Worse nonetheless, it’s price noting that upon breaking apart with Machoke, it is going to evolve right into a Machamp the subsequent time it hooks up with somebody — such is the chance of buying and selling! The solely factor that’s worse than an ex of flex is one which has a pair of superfluous arms at their disposal.
Sneasler
Likes: The open air, solitude, caustic chemistry.
Dislikes: Large crowds, small mountains, medium McFries (it’s simply unhealthy worth, actually).
Of course, in the event you’d reasonably not be caught within the sweaty confines of a gymnasium all day, you would possibly as a substitute like to contemplate relationship Sneasler. It’s a little bit of a steep job; actually talking since you’ll have to scale the tallest peaks of Hisui to even discover one, however figuratively talking as a result of it most likely thinks you’re lame. Sneasler is a little bit of a miser, you see, and would reasonably spend its days alone than hanging out with others.
“I’ve met literal boulders with more personality than you,” it will sneer in your route, although until you communicate fluent Pokemonese, you’d actually solely hear numerous grunts of “Sneasler”. Do not supply it a tissue, it isn’t in reality sneezing.
Were you to one way or the other persuade it to really make investments time in you, you’d greatest be ready for lots of mountain climbing. You’ll be so match inside the week, and but in the end unfulfilled. It’s a loveless life with a Sneasler, so don’t even anticipate a romantic birthday current. It hasn’t forgotten, it merely doesn’t care.
Rillaboom
Likes: Sick beats, jam classes, John Bonham.
Dislikes: Paying hire, gainful employment, “the man”.
Are you looking for a deeper connection? Someone you would relate to on a non secular stage? Perchance you’d favor to spend time with a Rillaboom, a soulful musician with whom you’ll be able to boogie the night time away.
It goes with out saying that this grassy gorilla is into the drums — like, actually actually into the drums — to the purpose the place it received’t be seen in public with out them. It received’t be seen in personal with out them, both, so be certain that there’s ample space for storing in your bed room.
Like all ravenous artists, nevertheless, you’ll at all times be a distant second in its coronary heart to the fervour of percussion. You know that music, “music gets the best of me, but guess who gets the rest of me?” It’s mainly that, besides the remainder of Rillaboom is nothing however a shallow disappointment who refuses to clear up after itself.
Conkeldurr
Likes: Construction websites, constructive criticism, third construct-related factor to be decided at a later date.
Dislikes: Council purple tape, vacant plots of land, these godforsaken forests.
If appears to be like aren’t your factor and also you simply need somebody who can handle you, you would possibly go for relationship a Conkeldurr. I know the title of this text actually says “handsome”, however who am I to second guess the attract of this hulking brute?
The wonderful thing about Conkeldurr is that it’s eager to share its mastery of concrete with whomsoever, and can construct you a home with out a second thought. Your home will solely be manufactured from concrete, making it extra intently resemble a tomb, nevertheless it’s the one approach most of us can afford to enter the property market.
Alas, as you sit in your concrete field, you’ll doubtless discover that Conkeldurr is at all times too busy with work to make investments a lot time in you. You’ll cry concrete tears onto your concrete flooring, depressing you could by no means attain its concrete coronary heart.
Lopunny
Likes: Hairbrushes, mirrors, PETA.
Dislikes: Dangerous conditions, sudden actions, Elmer Fudd.
Ugh! I’m actually struggling to bond right here, so why not attempt a Pokemon whose existence is actually achieved by means of garnering sufficiently excessive friendship?
That’s proper, when you’ve proven sufficient appreciation on your Buneary, they’ll evolve into an imposing Lopunny, and also you’ll be the envy of the city. Nothing says elite standing like strolling down Fifth Avenue arm-in-arm with a dashing Lepus plaything.
Despite its outward confidence, it isn’t practically as infallible as it might appear. Behind its beauty and TikTok fame lies the panic-stricken self-doubt of the true egomaniac. It will abruptly terminate the connection in a single second, earlier than breaking into tears and begging on your forgiveness the subsequent. Did you actually anticipate dedication from somebody with a pelt this luscious?
Gallade
Likes: Chivalry, honor, elbow macaroni.
Dislikes: Rogues, scoundrels, scallywags.
By now, I’ve seen the folly of my methods, solely contemplating Pokemon companions whose self-interest is their most defining trait. Surely I’ve struck gold by now, settling down with a candidate whose protecting instincts outweigh all else?
The chad Gallade is the embodiment of care, studying the ideas of potential threats earlier than responding with a flurry of bladed assaults. Your coronary heart will certainly be despatched aflutter the second it sprouts swords from its very flesh in a sworn effort to forestall you from ever seeing hurt.
But… the place does that cease, precisely? If you might have an argument along with your Aunt Margaret, is Gallade going to step in and shank her? Will Gallade be inclined to defend you from your self, smothering you with its care and hounding you at each nook? Ugh, it’s so clingy! Despite appearances, it’s additionally a really poor cuddler, and a cheater on poker night time.
Slaking
Likes: Naps, (irrelevant), (irrelevant).
Dislikes: Effort, (irrelevant), (irrelevant).
Clearly, I want area, and that’s what you’ll get in a relationship with a Slaking. Every every now and then, it’ll seem like it’s doing one thing, earlier than deciding it wasn’t price it and giving up midway by means of.
It’s as low stakes because it comes, and in the event you’re feeling significantly fickle, you’ll be able to abandon it at common intervals to burn the midnight oil with out it ever even noticing. By burning the midnight oil, I’m referring to murdering a Lampent in a darkish alleyway. It’s my secret passion, so please don’t decide me.
Afterwards, you’ll be able to return to your Slaking and… properly… stare into its vacant eyes, I guess? It’s not precisely a stimulating romance, and as soon as the entire meals is gone, you’d greatest consider this lug goes to crawl itself towards greener pastures.
Mr. Rime
Likes: Amusing japes, a spot of tap-dancing right here and there, the native bordello.
Dislikes: Ill-fitting fits, beer served below room temperature, American soccer “coz you use your bloomin’ hands, innit”.
I’m on the lookout for a little bit extra engagement, so I’m now pursuing a relationship with a Mr. Rime. We’ll share a giggle or two as we throw judgment in the direction of the frequent folks, our icy stares belying the heat of our inclinations. I’m undecided what meaning, however Mr. Rime mentioned it will be a intelligent factor to say, so in it goes.
Mr. Rime is well-liked regardless of the place it goes, inflicting every kind of mischief with what are scientifically described as “amusing movements”. As such, you’ll at all times end up invited to probably the most prestigious events, hobnobbing with the elite and enhancing your social standing with each waking second.
All that is to say, Mr. Rime is a little bit of a jerk. Lots of a jerk, really. It’s mainly Caledon Hockley from Titanic, however with out the good thing about being Billy Zane. Can I simply date Billy Zane as a substitute? No? I guess we’ll have to preserve looking, then…
Buzzwole
Likes: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Dislikes: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Maybe I don’t need all of that conceitedness, and would really like to simply date the attractive mosquito? It’s a free nation, you’ll be able to’t cease me, dammit.
Much like Machoke, Buzzwole’s breathtaking physique is a sight to behold, and it’ll not hesitate to show it for the lots. Is it displaying off? Is it threatening you? I legitimately have no idea, and I am a little bit too terrified to ask.
In all honesty, I have in a short time come to remorse this choice, because the depth of a Buzzwole is greater than I might have imagined. Have you ever been stored awake at night time by the incessant buzzing of an unseen insect? Imagine that, besides the insect is seven toes tall and might be really attempting to kill you.
Probopass
Likes: Magnetism, facial hair, its military of Mini-Noses.
Dislikes: Kitchen home equipment, metallic detectors, leg day.
Out of all of the underwhelming dates I have suffered by means of, this one not less than reveals probably the most promise. A relationship with a Probopass is certain to be rock stable.
This hirsute Pokemon is actually an unlimited magnet, outfitted with a trio of underlings referred to as Mini-Noses that it sends out to do its bidding. Are these its youngsters? Or its workers? Either approach, having three servants on-hand always is a candy deal, making Probopass really feel like an important member of society.
You shouldn’t anticipate any heartfelt sonnets or significantly rousing discussions. In reality, don’t actually anticipate something past a big nostril, and also you received’t be dissatisfied. Or thrilled. Or emotionally influenced in any approach, positively or negatively. Out of sheer exhaustion, it is for that reason I have chosen to lastly settle.
Mom and pop, I married a Probopass — this text was only a circuitous approach of asserting it. I hope you’ll forgive me sometime.
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